Foregone tune

Sound sleep, why is it even called that? no matter how hard I tried, sleep was distant. All the noise of the background came to foray, the ticking of the clock, a distant vehicle, fan speed, gentle breathing of my little one. Pounding my ears, while I crave just sound or soundless sleep. I decrease the fan speed, may be it's too cold, the noises now jarring, I hum a foregone tune to silence the noise. I step into another era.

I toss and turn, pull my favourite brown quilt closer, I adjust the pillow to sleep, pillows and cushions how they fill those empty spaces, talking of cushions, he was my softest cushion, always filling up the emptiness with a cushy solace. I remember how I told him, you are my softest cushion and rock solid support! Why isn't it offering solace now? I still feel cold, may be I should get up wear something warm?

The effort of getting up makes me upset, I plunge back to the pillow. I hum a foregone tune to silence this chill, atleast distracts me.

The right heel pain, it goes up the stiff calf. I feel pain elsewhere too, that's an old pain which keeps coming back. I remember the term " Pain body" from "New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle.I remember that the old pain is a "trapped emotion" much like psycho-somatic symptoms. Pain is real though, it knows when to come back like tonight. I hum a foregone tune it brings me back to present.

I remember telling him about my heel pain, he came to the other end of bed, did a gentle massage of my feet and put the blue woolen socks, I slept like a baby right after! My thoughts flows, where are the blue woolen socks? Tears seems to flow, but I don't feel them. Tune as ever comes back to rescue.

I remember, a conversation, can texting be called conversation? Never mind, she lost her father 10 days ago, she says I want him back, she asks or perhaps says, nothing can go back to original after this??

It's 5 years, I live surrounded with memories, these memories are like thick fog some days with no visibility, some days a gentle drizzle you don't mind indulging in, some days a breezy curtain you just flow with, can't control the winds.

somedays a thick cloud, which keeps clearing with sunshine and I smile. On days like this, its a deluge. But they are there constantly, you can't keep talking about it, who cares to listen, they comfortably sit with you, they become you, like an Identity or pain body I was talking about? But I don't like to call it trapped. It's me, I am not trapped in that.

Haven't I seeked answers? Did soul searching? Verses of Geetha, didn't it say, soul never dies! Didn't I vow to be an emotional stoic? On some days I am a mere Human, a Poet who believes in hopeless romance and fairytales where there is magic, mystique and enchantments. Sigh!, I hum the tune yet again.

Ticking of the clock brings me back, its 12am Dec 27 2024, I wished R a very Happy birthday..tell him, you are 45 today. Still I can't pull up the socks in the middle of night, I need you I think, I feel the tears now.

It's 3 am now, I have to sleep and pull up my socks in the morning atleast. Tune comes back to soothe.

Are you curious about the tune??

"Aaj Jane ki Zid na karo" by Farida khanum

Wine stomping on his birthday few years ago!